Nicole Collet

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It’s All Sex #12 – The rape culture: if sex happened, that’s consent

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In 2014 Vanderbilt University student Gregory Bernstein wrote a great post on his blog. Entitled “Destroying a Rape Culture,” it was written when a Dartmouth student was raped after being mentioned by name in a “rape guide” posted online by students at the college. That “guide” was one more addition to college “rape literature,” along with the collection of rape jokes published at Miami University and the rape chants by students at Yale and Saint Mary’s.

Yet many people still deny rape culture is pervasive in our society.

Seriously?

I’ll borrow Bernstein’s spot-on definition of rape culture: “It isn’t a feminist narrative used to make campuses ‘treacherous places for falsely accused men’ (you can thank U.S. News and World Report for that description). Nor is it a term used to ‘aggressively paint men as dangerous and as the root of evil’ as the Wisconsin-Madison’s student newspaper put it. Rape culture is a culture in which we allow responsibility for sexual violence to be shifted from the rapist to the victim. Rape culture is a culture in which our first reaction upon learning about an alleged assault is to doubt victims, to ask what they were wearing, or what they were drinking. Rape culture is a culture in which myths and misconceptions about rape are allowed to be taught as truth.”

In her TED Talk “Your Vagina is Not a Car,” writer and public speaker Clementine Ford adds that rape culture is a society that normalizes or diminishes rape through the bombardment of images, language, laws and social attitudes. Rape is reduced to “an alcohol-fueled situation” or a bad date that the victim is blamed for, which doesn’t constitute an actual assault. When a woman in his audience didn’t enjoy his joke about rape, Australian comedian Daniel Tosh responded and was backed up by his friends: ‘Wouldn’t it be funny if five guys just came down and raped this woman right now? Wouldn’t that be hilarious?”

That’s rape culture. And it’s all over the world. In the West, it happens as illegal punishment behind the curtains. In the East it’s often legal: I remember a petition to stop a gang rape in India that would be imposed on two young girls as punishment for a crime committed by their brother. Unfortunately, it’s not an isolated or uncommon case.

Not only do they suffer physically and emotionally, carrying with them trauma and scars, but women sentenced to rape have their lives ruined because a woman is only valuable for her body and her virginity. So if someone else does something bad, there may be retaliation for you in the form of rape. If a country defeats another in war, you bet there will be rape for humiliating the defeated. Let’s not forget religious institutions, of course—take, for example, Catholic priests and Buddhist involved in scandals of sexual abuse.

It just happened in Brazil, May 2016. I received a petition demanding punishment for 30 men who gang-raped a 16-year old girl. They filmed it and posted it on social media along with horrible comments and jokes. The petition wants them brought to court and charged with attempted murder, and penalties for those who shared the video on social media. According to the petition, 11 women are raped every minute in Brazil—and that’s only in one country.

Not even the virtual world is free of rape, and women naturally are the main targets. Take RapeLay, a game where the user plays a stalker raping a mother and her two daughters—one of them underage. There’s more, though. In a brilliant article, Kat Stoeffel mentions a hacker including a rapist in Great Theft Auto in 2014, in what The Huffington Post described as “a disturbing new trend”: modifying games to rape players. That same year, Kim Correa was virtually raped by two male gamers in DayZ.

“One of them said he wanted ‘to rape my dead body,’ and then he shot me.” Correa received reproachful comments for her blog post about it. Note the victim blaming by a female player: “You were waiting for this to happen, practically seeking it out actively and now you’ve got your article to write. But by God, is it hyperbole and a half.” Another blamed Correa for making women look bad and weak; after all, “It was just a dumb joke.”

Rape culture is a culture that denies its very existence. Where women are taught to be afraid and feel unsafe. Don’t go here, don’t go there, don’t dress like that, don’t drink. Shut up or you’ll be raped.

Don’t take up space.

Rape is a joke

Boys are raised in a society that teaches them they have an entitlement to women’s bodies. That leads to sexual assault episodes such as the cases of Steubenville in Ohio and the Roast Busters in Auckland. “Boys think it’s so much their right to treat a woman’s body as they please,” says Ford, “that not only they will do it in front of all their friends, raping an unconscious woman repeatedly, but they will film it. They will actually document the evidence and put it on the internet for everyone to see what a big man they are.”

I watched the Steubenville video—the guy jokes about the rape. It reminded me of a lecture by sociologist Gail Dines. Boys have their masculinity defined by how many girls they score as opposed to their sexual integrity. They’re losing the ability to connect and feel empathy. Dines shares the account of a student whose boyfriend wanted to try erotic asphyxiation on her as he had seen in porn. She passed out. When she regained consciousness, her boyfriend wasn’t by her side: he was washing in the bathroom—couldn’t care less for her.

Guys like him are the husbands and fathers of tomorrow. Guys like him are the rulers, doctors, policemen, entrepreneurs, educators and judges of tomorrow. There’s where we stand.

I would add that rape culture is one where people are so brainwashed they’re unable to feel for rape victims. Where rape is constantly referred to as “alleged.” Where it is officially condemned but in reality dismissed as a lesser infraction since the victim usually survives. Where statistics show that one in every four women will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime. Most of them before the age of 24. However, data gathered by a support center in England shows that the age for female victims spans 3 to 90 years old.

So rape is normal, expected and not a big deal.

Now try convincing the rape victims with PTSD of that.

The statistics are uncertain. For one thing, only a small percentage of cases is reported, as the victims are too frightened or ashamed to speak out. There are false rape claims too, but it is safe to say the vast majority of cases are real—at least 90%, possibly up to 98% according to research. What is also a reality is that most aggressors are not strangers but people who the victims knew and trusted, and even considered to be their friends.

Those aggressors are utterly blind to the extent of the harm they cause. For them, if they force themselves upon a woman, all they’re doing is have sex. They use her for their pleasure. They can’t conceive the emotional wreckage they leave behind, scarring the victim for the rest of her life—that is, when the assault doesn’t end in the emergency room. The next day is like any other to the assailant. To the victim, it’s just the beginning of a nightmare populated with panic attacks and depression that, sometimes, can lead to suicide.

Why suicide? Because the system that rules society and institutions is not supportive of rape victims. If it were, victims wouldn’t be overwhelmed with shame. When you’re ignored, doubted and blamed for the assault you’ve suffered, when the law more often than not fails to punish the aggressor, how can you feel appreciated and safe again, how can you heal? The sad thing about rape is that victims are victimized twice, first by their assailants and then by the culture. It’s not rare for them to be bullied and socially isolated after coming forward.

Victim blaming is typical of the rape culture. In the past, when white plantation owners raped female slaves, they couldn’t hide their crime: the victims gave birth to children of mixed color. So what did the rapists do? They blamed black women and accused them of being insatiable and animalistic. It’s exactly the same recurring notion from porn that employs the stereotype of dirty nymphomaniacs to justify the abuse of women.

The 2015 documentary Hot Girls Wanted  produced by Rashida Jones follows 18-year old girls seeking fame in amateur porn. Physical intimacy became so banal that young girls, for lack of better opportunities, dream of having sex on camera as a means to a better life. It’s something glamorized in our culture—and overrated. Women’s bodies are mere commodities for sale and for grabs. One of the aspiring actresses says: “Sex means nothing nowadays.”

If sex has become trivial in our culture, why wouldn’t rape?

The sexual attitude on campus

Rape is dismissed. Perpetrators and outsiders make fun of it. I just noticed that, on this single post, the word joke appeared associated with rape in several instances—it wasn’t planned. You know what else is a joke? The Oklahoma state law determining in 2016 that forced oral sex is not rape if the victim is intoxicated and unconscious.

No, we don’t live in a rape culture. God forbid anyone dare say that. It’s perfectly normal for 80 student orientation leaders to welcome 400 incoming students at Saint Mary’s with the chant “Y is for your sister, O is for oh-so-tight, U is for underage, N is for no consent.”

Now, seriously. Does it come as a surprise that we have a rape culture in reality when it’s prevalent in fiction? Don’t they say fiction imitates life? We have films, music videos, lyrics, porn, ads and books depicting rape over and over and over for titillation—and titillate it does, unfortunately, thanks to this relentless bombardment that makes it “normal.” Look at the case of three women who caught a guy drugging his date’s drink in a restaurant while she was in the restroom. She had been working with him for one year and regarded him as a good friend. Do we see a trend here to the sense of entitlement to women’s bodies?

The Glenmiur Reform Trust conducts programs of investigation into young people’s attitudes to sex. Below are quotes from real interviews with male students in both UK and US colleges and universities.

Steve: “All college girls want sex. Every night. It’s our job to provide it.”

Ron: “A girl’s drunk. So what? If she’s in your room, she asked for it.”

Jon: “All girls enjoy the sex in the end, no matter what they say at first.”

Kamran: “I must have had sex with more than 10 girls after they’ve passed out.”

Craig: “Consent? That just makes me laugh. You’re in my room to get laid, not negotiate.”

Stevo: “Drunk sex is always great sex.”

Nick: “I’ll film it all secretly and threaten to post it online if they make a fuss…”

Jonjo: “Rape? That’s a joke.”

Ray-Ray: “Read my lips. All girls want sex, all the time. Those who say otherwise are liars.”

Dashant: ” Don’t talk about consent. If the sex happened, that’s consent…”

We go back yet again to porn as the major reference to sex today that shapes our sexuality—and this is getting really old, but what can I do, it’s frigging everywhere… What do we detect in the above statements? Women objectified and regarded as things that don’t deserve any respect and should submit to men. Women regarded as insatiable nymphs. Women always enjoying unwanted sex in the end. A strong sense of entitlement to women’s bodies. Denial that sexual assault is rape. And, above all, a self-centered attitude and total lack of empathy.

Does it occur to those guys that their own girlfriends, sisters and daughters—and even their brothers and sons—may become rape victims as a result of such mentality? Can they imagine how it feels to have their body violated and hurt, sometimes by multiple assailants? Can they imagine the emotional scars carried by the victims and their families? The system doesn’t teach them that and actually encourages this coward, despicable “macho” attitude—the hypocritical system preaching high values while fuelling chaos in society. Balanced people have the mental clarity to question what’s going on, shop less and refuse wars.

Balanced people are able to love better.

Remember: consent does not spell No, please stop! And even if consent is given, it can be withdrawn at any moment. That’s how it works for everything, so why would it be different for sex? I’ll leave you with a Youtube link suggested by my reader Lily M. It’s a fun, brilliant animation about consent that compares sex to a cup of tea.

My next post focuses on the rape culture on US campuses. While campuses have their own idiosyncrasies, they’re essentially microcosms reflecting the macrocosm in which they’re embedded. The college rape culture didn’t come out of the blue: it’s part of the bigger picture. It’s an epidemic mapped by the Department of Justice—in 2015 more than 100 institutions were under investigation for their negligence in the handling of sexual assault claims.

See you soon, and until then… Love, light, peace.

It’s All Sex #11 – The hookup culture and the whateverists

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The other day I watched a TED Talk by parenting coach Lisa Bunnage, who has been talking with troubled teenagers for decades. During a session, she asked a 16-year old girl about her weekend, and the girl replied: “It was the usual. I partied, drank a bit and met a new guy. He’s okay. I didn’t like him that much and I wouldn’t let him kiss me.”

Bunnage said she was proud of her.

The girl added: “So I just gave him a blow job instead.”

Bunnage hid her surprise and shortly after was in session with a 14-year old boy. He told her he was at a party and shared his drink with a girl. Then he complained: “Afterwards, she wouldn’t give me a blow job.” It happened in the early 2000s, right at the start of the hookup culture. From then on, things only got worse. Bunnage has clients who tell her they’ve been to rainbow parties, where girls in drinking games apply different colors of lipstick and drag their mouths over boys’ penises to leave a rainbow behind. That’s one of the tamest games played, according to Bunnage.

Then my 19-year-old reader Lily M. on Wattpad tells me she knows girls who give blowjobs in exchange for having their homework done: “But it’s been happening for quite some time now. I’ve known people that started either requesting or offering it as payment since 9th grade.”

What the heck?

Apparently, in our pornified culture blowjobs are not that different from handshakes. When did teens become so indifferent to their bodies? Now let’s think for a moment. Our bodies weren’t found in a dumpster for us to stick anything into them or mingle with whatever piece of flesh we happen to share a drink with.

Sex is not banal. Our bodies are not banal. We are not banal.

However, blowjobs being staple in porn and implied everywhere you look—from beer ads to burger ads and even covers of traditional magazines—what else could you expect? Images are powerful, and the repeated exposure to them influences behavior. People have been indoctrinated to believe blowjobs are not only banal but a social norm, and girls have been indoctrinated to regard their bodies as a commodity—so no, the images you see in ads, films, music videos and whatnot are not harmless.

In her TED Talk about casual sex, Dr. Zhana Vrangalova lists a series of positive aspects to it, among which connecting with new people and gaining sexual experience. What Vrangalova suggests is perfect: do it only if you want it, as it may not be for everyone, and definitely avoid casual sex when you’re drunk, as it blurs your defenses, impairs your ability to feel pleasure and also to remember your experience the next day. I totally agree about alcohol consumption, as excesses in that department are a recurrent theme in the hookup scene. I also agree with her that in an ideal world casual sex works well. After all, casual or not, sex is healthy. But in our non-ideal world, where girls are under social pressure to say yes—and then risk being labeled sluts for saying it–that may not be the case.

There’s more. According to Vrangalova, studies show an “orgasm gap” between men and women in casual sex. In a sample of 20 thousand undergrads, 80% of men had an orgasm in their most recent hookup against 40% of women. So women should learn to be more selfish and speak out their wants and likes, and men should learn to be more giving in order to close that gap. Sociologist Paula England from Stanford offers additional data from her studies: in interviews with college students, she found out that when it came to only one of the parties receiving oral sex during a hookup, men were the receivers 30% more often. “It does seem that a lot of the hookup is organized around pleasuring men more than women” she concludes. As far as orgasms go, England also confirms the gap.

Does that come as a surprise? Besides women usually requiring more time to orgasm, do you remember that thing about porn being a major reference to sex in our culture? Porn teaches exactly the opposite: men take, women give. In relationships, as opposed to hookups, the orgasm gap decreases, but it is still there.

Hookups, happiness and stats

On her website, Vrangalova has a page dedicated to The Casual Sex Project for people to share their experiences. In the first year, over 1,200 stories were up, written by people all over the world, and most related to a positive experience with casual sex. I found it intriguing that in another TED Talk on hookup culture Donna Freitas comes to the opposite conclusion. She’s a professor, and while giving a course on dating and spirituality, one of her students said she hooked up a lot and actually didn’t know why because she didn’t even liked it but kept doing it all the same. She asked the other students if anyone else felt the same. And one by one, every single person in the class said they actually did feel the same way but thought they were the only ones.

Freitas wondered if her students were an exception, and for the next 10 years traveled the US talking to college students about sex, hookups and everything in between. “Young adults believe they are supposed to be casual about sex in college,” says Freitas. She lays out the official social contract for the hookup: 1) Anything from kissing to sex; 2) Brief; 3) Feel zero emotion so you don’t get attached—which means avoiding communication in order to avoid caring; 4) Alcohol—unofficial clause. In regard to their attitude towards hookups, 41% of the students interviewed by Freitas were profoundly unhappy, 23% were ambivalent (the “whateverists” as she calls them, whose numbers are growing) and 36% were “more or less fine.”

Something else came to light in her research. Students kept repeating that “hookup is efficient.” She didn’t know what they meant and probed. They explained: while being so busy with their tight college schedules, they believed they didn’t have time for relationships, and hookups took care of sex—just like a washer takes care of dishes. They regarded hookups as the only option. Freitas states: “There is a lot of suffering, alienation and shame around hooking up for both men and women, and not living up to hookup culture’s expectations of ambivalence and callousness about sex.” On the other hand, they all got excited about the possibility of going on a date. So students, both men and women, would like to date but felt they were not allowed to. They yearned for romance, connection, communication—and “talking for hours and hours.”

So… how come Zhana Vrangalova and Donna Freitas reached such disparate conclusions? I think I know why that happened. Casual sex can be good if it is authentic: respect yourself, your wishes, your boundaries, and have an authentic connection no matter how casual. Hookups are not authentic, they’re a social imposition. I also believe most stories about casual sex on Vrangalova’s website were positive because when people have a good experience they’re more likely to want to share it than when they have a meaningless or unpleasant one.

I was shocked when I watched the 2000 documentary Behind the Life by Dawn McGhee featuring interviews with pornstars. One nicknamed Kitten lost her virginity anally when she was 12. Another known as Veronika lost her vaginal virginity when she was 12 too: her classmate called her and asked if she “wanted to fuck” and she replied, “sure.” He brought along a friend, and Veronika had sex with both boys thinking it was what she was supposed to do.

So we see pre-teen girls losing their virginity through anal sex and with more than one partner. Where did that come from? Sounds familiar? Yeah, we can imagine a little porn scene right there.

Enacted by 12-year old children.

It goes to show, once more, how the pornified culture robs children of their precious innocence all the while distorting the essence of sex. Another documentary, the excellent Hot Girls Wanted directed by Rashida Jones in 2015, follows a group of 18-year-old amateur porn actresses. One of the girls shrugs: “Sex means nothing nowadays.”

If hookups are supposed to be meaningless, they end up being unfulfilling. It’s as simple as that.

Sex is not banal. Our bodies are not banal. We are not banal: we crave real intimacy, be it casual or not. If it’s not real, what’s the point?

Efficiency? Social validation?

Whatever?

Never sleep with someone you wouldn’t want to be

There’s a school of thought that discusses the energetic cord forming when you are in a relationship. That cord links you and the other person. Sex, no matter how casual, creates energy cords in a similar fashion. Now, if the person you’re intimate with has bad energy—either from themselves or other sexual partners—that’s what you’ll be carrying around once the energies of both of you mingle and the cord is created. If you don’t cleanse your energy and cut off the cord, it will stay with you.

A woman named Lisa Chase Patterson wrote this:

“Pay attention to whom you share your intimate energy with. Intimacy at this level intertwines your aural energy with the aural energy of the other person. These powerful connections, regardless of how insignificant you think they are, leave spiritual debris, particularly within people who do not practice any type of cleansing, physical, emotional or otherwise. The more you interact intimately with someone, the deeper the connection and the more of their aura is intertwined with yours. Imagine the confused aura of someone who sleeps with multiple people and carries around these multiple energies? What they may not realize is that others can feel that energy which can repel positive energy and attract negative energy into your life. I always say, never sleep with someone you wouldn’t want to be.”

“Intimate energy,” by the way, includes blowjobs.

On my next post, I’ll take a look at the rape culture. Does it exist? Is it a joke? The rape culture on American campuses was mapped by two brave survivors and later confirmed. It turns out to be an epidemic. Yet many deny it and hate those who speak against rape. Why is that? Let’s talk about it.

It’s All Sex #10 – Sex education in schools busted

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SEX-blogSexual education is being implemented in schools across Canada, the US, UK, New Zeeland and Australia. At one point it will become a global reality: children as young as 5 years old will all be introduced to “the pleasures of sex.” If that sounds strange, it’s because that is strange.

What those new sex curricula do is encourage children and teens to have sex without telling the whole story. They raise kids’ curiosity and awareness to sexual possibilities but leave out important facts concerning physical and psychological health.

That’s really disturbing. Even more disturbing are certain people behind the curricula. I’ll get to that in a moment.

Many communities of outraged parents are protesting the sex ed curricula. Brushed off, they’re accused of ignorance. To sort out once and for all this matter, a group of concerned parents in Canada asked Dr. Miriam Grossman to revise the Toronto sex ed curriculum. Grossman is a renowned child and adolescence psychiatrist with many years of work at the UCLA campus, and what she finds in the curriculum doesn’t sound good: health here is not the priority.

“The priority,” Grossman tells the parents, “is to mold your child’s thinking and attitudes so that they respect, affirm and are comfortable with all sexual choices and lifestyles.” The Toronto curriculum, like so many produced by the sex ed industry, is based on a specific agenda. By centering on political correctness, it completely ignores truths of current science, as well as biological, cultural and individual differences between people. “There is a significant flaw with this approach: it’s not based on reality,” says Grossman.

Basically, children are left to decide what’s best for them in terms of how, when, dos and don’ts of sex. Really? Are children that well-informed and mature to know what’s best for them? Grade 6 students, for example, are instructed to consider their comfort level, personal and family values, and the limits and comfort of others when making any decision regarding a relationship. Grossman questions how a 6-grader could possibly know any of that when even adults struggle with those things.

For Grade 7 students, this is what the curriculum delivers: “Be clear in your own mind about what you are comfortable or uncomfortable with. Being able to talk about this with a partner is an important part of sexual health. Having sex can be an enjoyable experience and can be an important part of a close relationship when you are older.” Grossman questions how a Grade-7 student can possibly know what when you are older means.

They may think that at Grade 8 they will be older. The curriculum is vague and leaves the immature child to decide when they are ready, after discussing it with their equally immature partner. That doesn’t make any sense. Then, at Grade 8, students are taught that there are many options available for sex. Again, it’s up to the child to decide about their choices instead of giving the teacher authority to clarify important things.

The teen brain is different

Teens act on impulse and emotions because their brains are not fully developed: the portion that plays a critical role in decision-making, problem-solving and understanding the consequences of actions won’t be fully mature until the person is into their 20s. This neuroscience needs to be brought into sex education so teachers and parents, and also teenagers and children, understand it and know not to even get close to a situation that they will later regret.

This information doesn’t get into sex education, though, because it doesn’t jive with the ideology that people are all the same, sexual beings from cradle to grave that should act on their sexual urges at any time. The curriculum then ignores current knowledge about child and adolescent development, sexually transmitted diseases, neuropsychology and many other areas, since current science undermines that ideology.

Students are offered a menu with various forms of sexual expression, presented in the curriculum as if all forms are the same and pose the same risks. The curriculum omits that young girls, having an immature cervix, are much more prone to vaginal infections than adult women; that condoms do not offer total protection against infections and sexually transmitted diseases, including AIDS; and that anal sex presents much higher risks of contracting STDs—in the case of HIV, from a very conservative estimate, the risk is at least 31% higher in anal sex than in vaginal intercourse, according to the Health Department of New York City.

Grossman does not advice anal sex to young kids: “It’s too dangerous. Don’t do it.” She mentions a student who got HIV the first time she had anal sex—it can happen. Until 2014, the FDA website used to have a warning for anal sex: “Condoms provide some protection but anal intercourse is simply too dangerous to practice.—C. Everett Koop, General Surgeon.“ Now the warning has been removed. Did biology change? asks Grossman. No. What changed is the culture and the pressure to push for the sex ed agenda. As a result, this information becomes unavailable to the people who need it the most, such as young gay men.

In addition, the curriculum fails to mention that women are much more vulnerable to STDs than men. The Centers for Disease Control in the US informs that “Sexually transmitted diseases pose severe threats to women’s health and fertility … biological factors place women at greater risk than men.” Grossman adds: “The ignorance and lack of biological correct information due to the sex ed industry has lead the US to a situation in which a young person between the ages of 13 and 24 gets an STD every 3.5 seconds.” In Canada, STD rates are also going up.

“This is a crusade to change society, to desensitize children and indoctrinate them,” concludes Grossman in her lecture. What Grossman says is crucial, as it relates to many preventable health problems that are not properly addressed in the curricula and may be a matter of life or death. Not to mention psychological immaturity for sex, which can cause confusion and depression.

One last thing you should know: one of the creators of the curriculum in question, former deputy education minister Benjamin Levin, is in jail for sexual crimes against children, including the possession and distribution of child pornography of the worst kind. You can read the details in The Toronto Life.

8-year olds learn lesson 1: “Let’s have sex”

If you want to check out the controversy about the sex ed curriculum in American schools, here’s a video. At 36:00, its final segment brings a creepy presentation by the US National Sexuality Administration. Using a puppet, it teaches 8-year olds about gender identity, abortion, birth control and sexual intercourse (“It’s when a penis is inserted into a vagina, a mouth or an anus”). This is Lesson 1, entitled “Let’s have sex.” Please note that this is not a title: it’s a command.

What I also perceive in this scenario is that encouraging girls to have sex prematurely means throwing them unguarded into a culture that treats sexually active boys like studs and sexually active girls like sluts. I can’t stress enough how the double standards are still prevalent in our society, especially among teenagers too young to know better. The occurrence of bullying against fragile girls and their resulting stigmatization is a serious issue. Some of them get so depressed they commit suicide.

The defenders of the sex ed curricula argue it’s necessary for children’s safety. Is it really? Dr. Grossman destroys this argument with a very simple instruction: explain to kids that they have private parts, those covered by their bathing suit, and if an adult tries to see or touch them, kids should run, scream and tell their parents. That’s it. No need to be dwelling in anatomically correct names and anal sex.

The same approach is adopted by Lynnette Smith, a sex educator interviewed in the 2014 BBC documentary Porn: What’s the Harm? In her case, she teaches children about pornography. It has nothing to do with what’s proposed by the sex ed curricula, yet she also teaches 5-year olds. Another difference is that she talks to parents first, whereas the sex ed curricula is applied without parents being informed when. You can see Smith’s educational approach at 50:00 into Porn: What’s the Harm? The way she talks to the children is really inspiring.

I would add some questions to the mix. How about regulating the media so it will stop bombarding children with sexual content and encouraging precocious sexuality? How about regulating the multibillion-dollar porn industry so it stops distributing material that glorifies violence, misogyny and pedophilia? How about finding effective ways of stopping revenge porn and the rape culture in universities? Amid all the hypersexualization that occurs, children are being robbed of their childhood and pre-teens have to carry an extra emotional burden for being exposed to sex when they are not ready.

The sex ed curricula not only fails to educate children about porn, but it also fails to prepare young girls for the potential hazards of an active sexual life in a world of double moral standards. Boys have their masculinity defined by how many girls they can score as opposed to cultivating sexual integrity. Girls are conditioned to dress and act like sluts in order to fit in, but they aren’t supposed to be sluts. Slut is a stereotype, though. If something dresses and acts like a slut, then it must be a slut. It’s a conundrum. Sociologist Gail Dines explains that, when a girl is labeled a slut, she experiences the same trauma symptoms as a rape victim because that’s the equivalent of raping her own identity.

Say a girl likes a guy and he asks for an intimate picture of her. She obliges because nudity is everywhere as a norm, and she thinks that’s expected from her in order to please the boy. The photo leaks on the internet, as the boy wants/needs to brag his conquest, or maybe he’s a resentful ex-boyfriend. The girl then will be called a slut and will be bullied relentlessly. She’s a victim. In countries like England and the United States, however, to add insult to injury, the law will label her as a sex offender for sending out “child pornography.” Now how hideous and hypocritical is that?

That’s how institutions go. A poor girl victimized by a leaked photo is victimized again by the legal system while it is OK for the porn industry to distribute videos suggesting incest with pre-teens that any child can access. It’s the typical situation where petty infractions are punished (not in this case, though, since the girl is innocent) and huge crimes committed by big fish are not addressed because big fish have money.

Sexual education should not be left in the hands of institutions, as every institution has an agenda. Parents know what’s best for their children. Each child is different, and what those curricula do is treat children as if they were all the same, ignoring the specific background, personal stage of development and needs of each child.

On my next post I want to take a look at the hookup culture. Yeah, party, alcohol and sex, right? There’s interesting stuff ahead, stay tuned!

It’s All Sex #9 – Porn & romance: becoming anal

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SEX-blogAnal sex is everywhere in porn and now it’s taking the romance genre by assault. If you have an erotic romance story, you bet the hero at one point will ask the heroine for anal sex—that is, if he doesn’t force her into it. It’s usually a male’s decision that the girl accepts in the name of love and lust. The hero guarantees she’s going to like it. Countless heroes have done so: let’s train your ass, you’ll love it, yada-yada-yada—then a kiss on her forehead and a dick shoved up her butt.

Wait a minute.

How can he be so sure she’ll love it? And how can he make that decision for her?

It’s not his body.

Anal sex is a male fantasy. It gives the man a sense of empowerment over the woman: he reigns in a dominant position, which is heightened by the idea of transgression: he is entering a forbidden territory. As for women, they have been trained by male porn to find it a desirable practice, since porn is the major sex reference in our society. Anal sex seems to be turning mandatory in erotic romance as it already is in male porn. That really bugs me.

Anal sex is not mandatory: it’s optional.

We are all being brainwashed to believe that everyone should do it, that this is what we want and enjoy. The mass media convinces us through endless repetition that we need this phone, we need those jeans, and now we need anal sex. That’s the anal dictatorship in which we live nowadays.

If you remember from an earlier post, the staple anal sex in porn stemmed out of men’s resentment against women. I would say that’s definitely not the best approach to sexuality. Let’s recall pornographer Paul Hesky’s pearls of wisdom: “Essentially, it comes from every man who’s unhappily married, and he looks at his wife who just nagged at him about this or that or whatnot, and he says, ‘I’d like to fuck you in the ass.’ He’s angry at her, right? And he can’t, so he would rather watch some girl taking it up the ass and fantasize … and that is the attraction, because when people watch anal, nobody wants to watch a girl enjoying anal.”

Now this is what male sex educator Michael Castleman has to say about anal sex: “In porn, ‘anal’ usually means penis-anus intercourse. In real life, this is the least popular form of anal play. Most real anal play involves gentle sphincter massage or shallow fingering. Women who do anal scenes use gobs of lubricant and wear butt plugs for an hour before going on-camera, but viewers never see this. Worse, some porn includes penises that go directly from the woman’s anus into her mouth, which may transmit infection.” Castleman wrote that in an article back in 2012. Today, anal sex has become more common in the real world, thanks to the indoctrination pushed by mainstream porn and now by mainstream erotic romance novels.

Hello vagina, nice to meet you anus

Let’s talk anatomy. I will borrow hard science information taken by expert Dr. Miriam Grossman’s brilliant lecture in 2015.

Here’s the vagina:

— A 20 to 45-cell thick lining for protection

— Elastic tissue that allows for stretching

— Natural lubrication

— Low pH that inactivates HIV

— Anti-HIV proteins

The vagina is designed for penetration. Of course, that doesn’t mean you should do extreme stretching or pounding because tears will certainly occur. Nor should you have unprotected vaginal sex, as the risks of getting AIDS and other STDs still exist.

Here is the anus:

— A very fragile ONE-cell thick lining, hardly any protection

— No elasticity

— No natural lubrication

— Higher pH

— Tissue prone to microtears that make it vulnerable to infections and STDs

— Abundant M cells that capture and deliver viruses into the body system

— At least 31% higher risk of HIV and other STDs, in a conservative view

In addition, keep in mind that the use of condoms DOES NOT offer 100% protection against STDs. In an interview, a former prostitute turned sex advisor in Brazil told she used to have anal sex with her clients only once every three days precisely because she was aware of the risks and wanted to protect her body—she was a divorcee in the sex business to support her daughter.

Besides posing much higher risks when it comes to sexually transmitted diseases, anal sex can cause hemorrhoids if not done properly. In extreme cases such as the violent pounding and even double anal penetration endured by pornstars, rectal prolapse may occur: the anus falls out of the body and needs to be stitched back through surgery.

No one mentions those things in porn videos and erotic novels.

That being said, yes, anal sex can be satisfying if done the right way, with lots of foreplay and lube, and avoiding unnecessary risks. The anus has many nerve endings that can enhance pleasure. Anal sex thus may be great or interesting or uncomfortable or very painfully. That will depend on the woman, her mental state and anatomy, as every woman is different. For a man it’s quite easy: it’s his fantasy and his butt is not on the line.

My two cents

That doesn’t mean a fantasy of male domination is necessarily unhealthy. In fact, it can be a turn on for both male and female when performed with complicity and respect (respect, by the way, doesn’t need to be vanilla). In such scenario, like anything else, it can deepen a couple’s intimacy and emotional connection. Anal sex usually has the woman on all fours and the man behind her. It’s animalistic—that’s how animals mate—and for that reason can be very hot. You want the excitement without the pain in the butt? That is achieved by simply adopting the doggie-style position while using the front entrance. Anal or not, the doggie position can make the male parts rub on the right female parts as well as deliver that wild edge.

But let’s go back to our primary anal subject.

As I mentioned on my post about romance heroines, anal sex and any other sexual experiments should be discussed and performed with spontaneous and mutual consent. If one of the partners suggests an idea, a conversation should follow, no matter how brief. That’s when both partners agree to do whatever is being suggested. If one of them feels uneasy and is not in agreement, then that practice can’t happen. It’s as simple as that. And there’s more: consent can be withdrawn anytime if discomfort arises. “Yes” is not set in stone.

What I constantly find in porn film is men sodomizing women without consulting them. It’s a given that those objectified women are there solely to please men: they don’t have wishes, preferences or opinions. Then there’s always the director shouting orders for them to moan how much they’re enjoying it. In romance, it’s not very different. The hero decides what he wants to do with her butt, she goes along with it despite being reluctant and then she ends up loving it. I’m not sure if that’s even realistic.

Furthermore, the staple position for anal sex tends to be the woman on her knees or piled up over the man while he pounds into her. Both positions, in porn, are aimed at displaying the penetration and the woman’s genitalia for the camera. And, in both cases, the woman has little control over the man’s movements. In order for that to happen, the man should lay on his back and the woman should kneel astride him so to be able to rise and lower her hips, controlling the penetration in a way that’s comfortable for her.

Those were my two cents of advice on this subject. I won’t be giving anal sex tips because there are plenty of articles about it out there, should anyone decide to try it.

Take care of yourself, respect your own wishes and be happy. Ignore what popular culture tells you. Popular culture is an interpretation of reality: it’s not reality per se.

On my next post I’ll be talking about sex education in schools. Interestingly enough, we’ll have another brush with anal sex. Yep, it’s all over the place. Stay tuned!