I had planned to write my first blog post focusing on relationships: what makes them work and how can we improve them? There are very simple things that can be done in order to increase the chances of a couple sticking together, and I’ll get to that soon. But not today.
Today my heart is somewhere else. I’m thinking of how a lot of romance novels portray heroines, and why. I grew up reading literary classics and cheap romance stories—a strange mix, I know. Then for a long time I haven’t read anything in the genre. Recently I restarted reading romance novels, and was stunned at how heroines were treated in many mainstream erotic works I’ve read. I’m not saying all romance novels are like that, of course, but there is definitely a trend.
I saw heroines being verbally mistreated, sodomized without having much of a say about it, raped, beaten up, and even offered as sex toys to other men… by their very own heroes. Did I mention double penetration in the best porn style? Yes, there was that too. The hero was a double jerk, and the heroine, a doormat to go along with something she wasn’t even consulted about. Can we please at least call it for what it is? Romance it is not. I guess it’s supposed to be hot. Maybe it goes to show that a heroine—a woman for that matter—should endure any abuse in the name of love, because in the end her endurance will win the hero’s heart. So it’s all good. Right?
Well, not in my book (no pun intended). To me, that’s degrading. I’m no prude: I believe that in the bedroom anything goes, as long as it’s consensual and no one gets physically or psychologically hurt. Backdoor action, for example. Nothing wrong with that, it’s simply a variation that some people enjoy and some don’t. A woman can enjoy it but is also entitled not to like it and reject the idea. She can even get her kicks from being offered as a sex toy to a bunch of guys—but that must be her decision, not someone else’s.
Love involves concessions; however, not to the point of a woman repeatedly subjecting herself to something that’s uncomfortable to her. And if it’s unpleasant to the heroine, the hero should not insist on it. Period. That’s what true alpha males do, because they don’t need to prove their strength by imposing their whims on their partners.
If the hero wishes to act upon his fantasy, then it needs to be done after a mature conversation and mutual agreement. Otherwise he’s treating the heroine like a thing devoid of opinion and volition. That’s debasing. Take BDSM, so huge these days. I’m no expert by any means, but I’ve researched the subject and one thing I know: BDSM is about a consensual arrangement in which the submissive defines his or her wishes and limits. In that sense, it’s the submissive who is really in control of the situation. And safe words exist precisely to make sure his or her limits are respected (“no” won’t cut it here, because it often means “yes” and is actually an extra spice).
That has been my recent experience reading romance novels. All of them written by women. Why women? Because women are verbal and men are visual. Do I blame those authors? Absolutely not, although in my opinion those books are not really helping our evolution as human beings: the authors are, inadvertently, reproducing a domination model because they themselves are conditioned to that. They write through the lenses of male porn. And by writing that way, an unhealthy model is reinforced to readers, who become used to it as something acceptable and at times even desirable. Then the industry requests more of that from authors because it sells, and now we have a vicious cycle.
What concerns me is that the abuse comes sugarcoated with “romance”: the hero is a jerk, then saccharine sweet to counterbalance the abuse, then he’s a jerk again and so on. It’s no secret the more you’re exposed to something, the more you become desensitized to it, let alone if it’s delivered with a bunch of flowers. Your brain changes. You start to regard abusive behavior as normal. When violence is sexualized, it becomes invisible. There’s nothing normal about disrespect or violence, though. Let’s face it for what it is: unacceptable no matter who’s doing it, be it a man or a woman, a billionaire or a hot chunk.
I also believe the abuse occurs in such stories for shock value, for the sake of “plot twists” and “thrills” in an industry obsessed with them. So each new release tries to top the previous as far as “kinks” go. What we gain in shock we lose in depth. Personally, as a writer, I’m very aware that each line I write can potentially change the way a reader thinks—not that I’m a genius, far from it; it’s just that words can be powerful and I have no control over how a reader may absorb mine. So I’m very careful with the messages I thread into my stories. I’m not just blowing sentences in the wind: I have a responsibility as to what kind of message my stories are sending out there.
I choose love, freedom and mutual respect. Once that’s in place, throw into the mix whatever rocks your boat. 🙂
My novel RED: A Love Story is being released in print and ebook format on March 30 2016. It includes light BDSM and role playing with the main focus on emotional connection. If you feel like taking a look at it, you’re welcome to read a sample here.
UPDATE: I am further exploring this subject in a series of posts about sex and gender conditioning: the media and the porn industry impact our sexuality in deeper ways than we think. The first installment is Hyper Sexed!
I couldn’t agree more with your comments. I review books in all types and genres for a number of authors and a variety of publishers, and many of those books have included those in the romance and erotic romance genres, so I’m what you might call widely read in that type of work.
Still, it pains me (as a woman, as a writer, as a reader, as a human being) to read so many romances in which the hero treats the heroine like dirt because that’s what seems to be expected in today’s society. Despite the feminism movement and its headway in many areas, women are still often portrayed as the slut, the hussy, the recipient of abuse for the sake of a sadist to be turned on. That kind of thing just doesn’t satisfy me, and I have to admit that I’ve reviewed books accordingly.
Why is it so hard, do you think, for authors to write mutually respectful romances (and sex scenes … let’s be honest) these days? What’s so terrible about two people (say a man and a woman, in this particular case, but it wouldn’t have to be, according to your preference) actually having a mutually satisfying and fulfilling relationship built on respect and not on disrespect? Of course, characters have bad days just as people do, and the hero will sometimes act like a jerk, and the heroine will sometimes act like a jerk, but when it comes right down to it, it seems to me that what should underscore a successful, stable relationship is that bottom-line respect, not someone’s capricious whims and temper tantrums on any given day.
Thanks so much for your post!
Thank you so much for your comment too, Eleanor! I think this scenario is so common for several reasons: 1) the conditioning to a generalized male dominance model, which in my opinion is not beneficial to either men or women, and rather creates distance where there should be more closeness and cooperation; 2) a distorted fantasy of what alpha domination in bed should be, caused by such conditioning; 3) the abuse is aimed at conveying transgression because in the erotic realm transgression is hot; 4) shock value; 5) a hot sex scene full of adrenaline is harder to create, and shock value is then the easier route to take. I think it is easier to write a shocking scene with lots of pyrotechnics and weird and appalling stuff, than is to immerse yourself into your own depths in order to search for that “hotness” and translate it into words.
Hi Nicole,
Forgive my tardiness in responding … I lost track of your site for a while when my computer decided to eliminate all of the lists of sites I had marked as favorites!
Isn’t it tragic when the literary community today portrays what so many people see as reality in society (because I think the literary world is almost always a reflection of, or a reaction to, the real world) that hardcore pornographic content is more appealing to readers than actual emotional depth and intimacy?
Hi dear! No need to apologize, and I’m honored that you enjoy my posts. Ay, I don’t know what to say… I have a feeling women have been so repressed through history, that this is a “second wave” of sexual liberation. This is women’s porn–but it’s still a distortion, as porn itself is a distortion of what real sex is. Moreover, it’s not even female porn but male porn in disguise… I watched porn in my life, my boyfriends and partners watched porn and I’ve never regarded that as “betrayal” like some women do. However, given the issues porn is causing nowadays, to the point of young people having problems to have natural sex due to overexposure to porn’s artificiality, I’m not so sure if I’m that OK with porn now. Especially the violent, debasing kind.
This is it! Lack of abikity to create something truly hot. I noticed that in some books. Sex stripped of the shocking elements is…. bad LOL
I think is that, plus the conditioning by the culture (media, entertainment, porn). Conditioning is very powerful! Even I, with all my awareness to this problem, almost resorted to a rape scene (or “forced seduction” if you will) in one of my stories! It was not really rape, it was role playing and the reader would only find that out in the end, so I thought it would be exciting and okay since it turned out not to be “real rape” and it didn’t involve beating or anything like that. I changed my mind and decided against the idea. I was shocked at myself for even having such an idea, and where did it come form? It came from reading those erotic novels. I’m so glad I didn’t include the fake rape in my story. I would be glorifying that kind of violence and at the same time helping promote its normalization in the mind of the reader. No frigging way!
I’m an avid reader and have been reading romance novels since I was a preteen. Since the Fifty Shades phenomenon many writers have been jumping in on the band wagon. They too want to cash in but it’s getting out hand. I don’t read too many of those stories because I don’t subscribe to it. I read all types of romances and will continue to that but not the BDSM stuff overrated. Thanks for shedding light on it.
Hi Eleanor, thanks for your comment! Yes, I avoid mentioning 50 Shades because I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes, plus I don’t like to sound as if I’m criticizing any specific author. The problem with 50 Shades is it opened a can of worms. You had authors writing copycats to achieve the same success, and publishers requesting 50 Shades style books from authors in order to capitalize on its huge popularity. That set a trend of abusive heroes and vulgarity. They say watching porn changes your brain–for the worse–by passing on to you a false image of sex. I think this is what those books are doing too. It’s all very “carnal” and distorted.
Hi Kpitters and Nicole,
There’s a huge temptation to sit down and just, in the span of a few hours or days, dash off a shallow “romance” rife with graphic sexual content because “that’s what sells” today, I have to say. The question is, does it make sense to cater to what readers are demanding? Or to write whatever we know we’ve been “given” (called, gifted, whatever you want to say) to write, whether it’s what’s popular now or not?
Incidentally, I discussed the spin-offs from the “Fifty Shades of Grey” phenomenon in a post titled “Viewpoint: A ‘Sex Sells’ Hive Mind … er … Society” on my blog more than a year ago. Breaks my heart that serious writers determined to jump through all the requisite hoops to get their hard-fought works published are being upstaged by anybody who can jot down ten or twelve sex scenes, string them together, call it a romance, and self-publish it in about ten minutes.
Thanks!
I would be very interested in reading your blog post, can you send me the link? I know what you mean by having good, serious authors, upstaged by others who write mindless steamy stories. Apparently is also a requirement in the industry. Romance needs to have explicit sex–I’ve read somewhere that regency authors have a hard time trying to figure out how to include sex scenes in such setting characterized by sexual repression. If you can deliver what’s on demand, why not, many people reason. I think it’s a question of personality, of how you put yourself into your book when you’re writing it. No doubt writing a story demands a lot from the author, and each author tackles it with a different approach. To some writing means creating an exciting story. To others, it goes beyond that, and that’s when simply stitching sex scenes together is not enough–for better or for worse.
Oh Nicole!!! GROSS,!!! That is the sickest of the sick. I don’t want to hear about it so do NOTwrite to me about this filth ever again. This is pure smut and I am appalled that you could read this crap. PLEASE!!!. I am about to go and throw up.
Hey Leah! I had to know what it was about, since I’m a romance writer. But I haven’t actually read it. I watched readings on Youtube by a user named FlowerGirl in her video series “Let’s read 50 Shades of Grey.” She’s a character and makes hilarious comments. I loved her readings. 🙂
Read my book…a much different kind of heroine Whispers of Liberty where past and present collide in NY in the arms of a Revolutionary soldier. ..and the girl fights along his side!
Thanks for such a great post and speaking out. Enlightened authors make the hero respectful of his heroine, agreed and save the shock value for a villain. An example is in “Outlander.” I did not read the book. I watched the first season of the TV series and I was really shocked by what was included in the story with violence going so into torture. I found the physical and psychological torture appalling, even refusing to watch some parts, but at least the author was wise enough to create a villain who the evil one, and not the hero.
Hi, Eleanore, nice to hear from you! Aw, I’ve been writing a series of posts called “It’s All Sex,” which expands on this subject and triggered me to write after I watched a video o Youtube about the hyper-sexualization of children in the media (it includes it all, from advertising to entertainment and porn, toys and children shows). It’s all tied up, and the violence and vulgarity found in modern erotic novels is a reflection of that. When I wrote this post about romance heroines, I hadn’t dwell deep into the reasons why authors write that kind of stuff. I was thinking logically but hadn’t really researched the whys. If you’re interested, take a look at the series here when you have a moment–I warn you it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
Wow! Great post, Nicole! I couldn’t agree more. I don’t read much romance, but it just seems so twisted and wrong to me that women are basically depicted as living toys for men. Not only is that extremely disrespectful, it’s also disgusting, at least to me. Glad that you wrote this post!
Hi, Christian! I’m glad you liked it, thanks for you comment! Yes, unfortunately I’ve read or heard of a vast number of stories in that vein. Psychologically, many of them didn’t even make much sense (shock value overriding depth). It got me wondering why that kind of story depicted women and relationships in such way, and why they were written by women in their majority.
Well said! You have captured the very essence of the problem and highlighted what it actually can be. True romance does include seeing the other as an equal partner, both showing mutual respect for one another, and each having the ability to love. Thank you!
Thanks for your comment and support, Eric! I think people just are not aware of what unhealthy values they are reinforcing.
A great post Nicole! (Although I wish that it didn’t have to be written). I think you’ve hit the nail on the head so to speak with how a lot of romance novels are flooded with heroines who are treated like doormats but are so ‘caught’ up in the thrill of a male lover/interest that they confuse abuse, mistreatment and violence with a sexy thrill or just part and parcel of being with someone a bit dangerous or very masculine.
Frankly I’m really tired of it too – It’s difficult to find books where the woman/heroine is able to separate that or at least not fall pray to it. Personally I love writing female characters that are strong with a sensible head on their shoulders when it comes to love and sex.
The story I’m writing at the moment is so refreshing for me to write because she’s not at mercy to the two love interests in her life. She’s a young woman with a casual and healthy attitude/appetite for sex, and if anything she’s the one pulling the strings.
An insightful post – so thank you!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Miss Warren! I’m glad you’re having fun writing, and about a healthy relationship. Relationships in romance novels don’t need to be dysfunctional to be interesting 🙂 So does your story have a title yet? What’s the premise?
Well said Nicole and Miss Warren! The more I write and think about romance, the more I want to break down some of these dangerous myths. There’s a fine line between stories that are ‘sexy’ and stories that celebrate ‘abuse’, and I think it can be crossed too often under the guise of romance.
Like Miss Warren, I have just finished a novel about a very free and sexually-liberated woman who tends to pull the strings with most of the men in her life. In some ways it’s an anti-romance, because she is not beautiful or rich or virtuous. But she certainly has her good points… (the book is ‘The Secret Life of Eloise’ and is planned for publication early next year as part of my ‘French Connection’ series). I particularly like the way Eloise only chooses men on her own terms and when it suits her. Makes a refreshing change.
I am also just finishing a contemporary romance which tries to debunk the idea that heroines have to be young and nubile – my heroine for ‘The Tangled Web’ is 59 🙂 (inspired by Helen Mirren).
Hi Emily! What inspired you to write heroines that don’t fall into the stereotype of young and beautiful? That’s refreshing, and your older heroine should be a success in Europe 🙂 It made me recall an old French film with Gerard Depardieu, “Too Beautiful for You” by Bertrand Blier, a comedy in which the protagonist is married to a gorgeous and rich woman and yet falls in love with his ugly and poor secretary. As for virgin heroines in the 21st century… I’ll never understand, that’s so retrograde!
Hi Nicole
I guess I like exploring stories that are a bit outside the box. I love romance, but sometimes feel frustrated by the restrictions and norms. I want to challenge some of that a bit…
‘The Tangled Web’ (my story about a 59 year-old woman and a younger man) is now uploaded to Amazon and Draft2Digital etc, so I’m hoping it will soon appear in the shops. It will be fascinating to see how readers respond to it – I hope they’ll enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it. My book about a flawed, plain and promiscuous maid will also be coming out in the New Year (‘The Secret Life of Eloise’. It will also be fascinating to see how that ‘anti-heroine’ is received. I’m guessing some people will say “this isn’t romance”, but I think anyone can experience love, whether old or in their teens/twenties, whether rich or poor, beautiful or plain. I’d love to see the protagonists in romances becoming as broad as the society we live in…
Hey Emily thanks for your comment.Outside the box is definitely GOOD! I imagine many mature women will relate to a story whose heroine is closer to their age bracket than teens and young adults. Romance is ageless, right? Your story would probably find a readership in Europe, where the population consists of more mature readers. Ah, Eloise sounds interesting too. What inspired you to write those characters?
Finally somebody out there said what’s been on my mind for ages. Especially while reading the romance in my national language made me want to smash my head in the wall. I feel the readers out there feel pleased and like to see women dumb in love and so dumb that they actually go through the stuff you mentioned. Over the time women in romance novels have turned from the orthodox damsels of Jane Austen and have become figure to practice anything outrageous and disrespectful on and the common reader seems to actually like the “Non consensual” part and abuse. Ignoring the heroine’s right to consent has become a custom readily accepted.
Ah, dearest Abeera, thanks for reading 🙂 I have to tell you, when I mentioned readers find abuse hot (because of the transgression), or forgivable because in the end everything is well, that’s exactly the reaction I’ve been witnessing in reviews. The scene of the heroine being offered as a sex toy (it was horrible and humiliating, although the “hero” said it was for “her pleasure”) was rightfully criticized by many readers, but many many of them plainly ignored it and raved about the book without even mentioning it! There’s one book that’s even worse by this best-selling author, with a gang bang of horrible proportions. Suffice to say the men whip the heroine until they draw blood–among many many many other things. Still I found readers saying the book was hot!
Thanks for such a great post and speaking out. Enlightened authors make the hero respectful of his heroine, agreed and save the shock value for a villain. An example is in “Outlander.” I did not read the book. I watched the first season of the TV series and I was really shocked by what was included in the story with violence going so into torture. I found the physical and psychological torture appalling, even refusing to watch some parts, but at least the author was wise enough to create a villain to be the evil one, and not the hero.
I’ve been reading romance for a long time, and I have little experience with the heroes and heroines you describe. I’m aware that they exist, but it’s certainly not representative of the genre as a whole. The books I read have well rounded, believable heroines who are smart and strong. Even the bdsm themed ones that I’ve read have heroines like that and alpha heroes more like you described wanting.
Feminism in romance does exist. Head over to the blog AllAboutRomance.com and have a read through the blogs and comments. You’ll get plenty of feminists discussing romance novels they enjoy (and ones they don’t).
I’m not disagreeing that abuse-as-love being portrayed in novels isn’t problematic. It definitely is. Just suggesting that maybe you cast a wider net before lumping all romance together under the antifeminist heading. (Maya Rodale’s book Dangerous Books for Girls gives a great overview about how romance is actually pro feminism, even the bodice rippers of the 70s.)
I know that my heroes are not abusive and my heroines are not doormats. And I have successfully avoided books like that as a reader. Read some more romance in all its subgenres.
Hi Jerica, thanks for you comment! Please, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying all romance novels are like that. But unfortunately, a can of worms seems to have been opened a few years ago, and what I describe became a mainstream trend for erotic novels. What really concerns me is that readers just don’t get it. Many read these things and, because the hero is hot, the abuse suggests the “forbidden,” and there’s the expectation of a happy ending, they totally ignore it!
I agree with all your sentiments. Great blog. 🙂
Thanks a lot, Daryl! 🙂
I couldn’t agree more to this. That’s why, in these past months, I’ve been burying myself in a young adult books, sci-fi, and books other than romance. Many published romantic books today were books with the same plot as fifty shades trilogy. More sex, more painful pleasures, blah. Not that I don’t like this trilogy, yes I read it, but having to encounter novels same as this is too much. Just like what you’ve said, it’s degrading.
I believe in true love. It comes even without sex. Here in my country, Philippines, virginity is a big thing. Even though we have different beliefs, men and women will always be equal. I just hope old and new authors surprise us with different plot.
PS
I’m not that great in English.
Lovelots,
-Aiya Suen ♡
Thanks for your comment! I’m glad this post invited you to reflection. What’s going on is unhealthy–it needs to stop. And don’t even get me started on those contracts… I’m not pro or con 50 Shades. The thing is, since it was such a success, it opened a can of worms and all those copycats flooded the market.
Your English is fine 🙂
Love
xoxo
I agree, Nicole, and that is why I have written THE 13TH DESCENT and THE 13TH BRIGADE for all young adults at heart with a strong female protagonist who will settle for nothing less than the balance, in all things…
Go for it, Ky! 🙂
What an interesting, well-written article. I’m on;y 22, but I’ve been reading romance novels for a very long time now. It was my mother’s favorite genre for a while (She’s moved on to true-crime). I’ve never really understood the heroine’s ability to give herself completely over to her hero. It seams that, once they’ve consummated their own relationship, suddenly the male character makes all the decisions. In more modern romance, it’s even more severe. Suddenly, the man’s taste in sexual activity is all that matters, and god help the woman if she’s the least bit hesitant. It’s not all romance, but since 50 Shades… it’s certainly more prevalent.
It’s not realistic, nor is it healthy to display as “normal.” So, thank you Nicolle for your post. It really highlights the recent, rather icky, phenomenon.
Hi Margaret! Thank you for your kind words 🙂 I think it’s a very traditional way of portraying male-female roles: strip many of those stories of their kinks, and you’re left with very traditional roles. this thing of “you’re my property” regarding the heroine makes me cringe. As I replied to another comment here, I thing 50 Shades’ popularity opened a can of worms. Hopefully at some point it’s going to wear off. There are exceptions, and that’s refreshing.
I agree with a lot of the points you made, but there are a few things I wanted to comment on:
Talking about women being “conditioned” to like what they like is problematic, I think. Yes, to a certain degree everyone is conditioned by society, and sexuality (meaning the whole scope of what turns people on) is partly formed by experiences and culture. And yes, it’s troubling that some women like the kind of romanticized abuse portrayed in some erotic novels.
At the same time, I think we need to treat those women as adults who know what they want, not as poor misguided children who need to be reeducated and told what’s good for them.
That doesn’t mean we can’t comment on it. But saying “they only like what they like because of patriarchy” strips women of their agency. It would be unacceptably condescending for a man to say “women only like those stupid romance novels because they’re conditioned to.” IMO it’s no less condescending when another woman says it. (And I’m not singling you out here, I’m speaking in general.)
Also, the kind of dynamics you’re describing aren’t unique to hetero romance/erotica; they exist in some gay romance as well. And yes, though it’s less common, there’s also erotica about women abusing men. And the audience for these is primarily male…which I think complicates the claim that abuse-themed BDSM is purely the product of a culture that devalues women.
While cultural ideas about gender do play a role, I think a lot of it comes down to this: human nature, including sexuality, is complicated. It contains both darkness and light, and can be pretty messed up at times, because it comes from a part of us that exists beneath our rational, ethical minds.
That doesn’t mean we should accept this type of behavior in real life; far from it. But rather than try to pressure people into not being turned on by the things that turn them on (usually a futile endeavor) I think it’s important to stress the difference between fantasy and reality. What’s erotic to some people in fiction doesn’t always translate into what’s acceptable in real life.
Hey AJ, thanks for your thoughtful comment! Ay, this is such a complex subject, going in so many directions and detours… What I wrote is a generalization, and surely there are many exceptions, including those that you mentioned. I believe sexuality comes in many shades, but violence and degradation is a fruit of social conditioning. We live in an unbalanced society. Violence and degradation come from human low instincts. If we cultivated higher values and had more equality, I believe those instincts would be re-directioned to more constructive and positive behaviors. We are bombarded by sex and violence and consumerism. Male and female are conditioned to an unhealthy model of dominance. I don’t think the authors I referred to set off to write a book with a conscious decision of reinforcing such model. They want to write an enticing story that will be popular among readers (be it for the sake of storytelling or for money), and in the process their conditioning simply transpires. I don’t think BDSM per se is the product of a society that devalues women, but when it turns into a commercial success and authors begin using it as a gimmick for that purpose, it gets distorted and emptied of its essence. And between us, regarding extreme BDSM, I believe who practices that should seek professional help. Not because I’m a moralist or I find it to be “wrong,” but because I think they’re probably compensating for something else and should get to the root of it. I’ll never forget a documentary I saw showing a guy who called himself a “human ashtray” and liked people to put out their cigarettes on his bare hand.
I really appreciate this article and couldn’t agree more! I’ve been in abusive relationships in the past and was a victim of sexual abuse when I was younger. No matter how anyone tries to sugarcoat it, what is portrayed in a lot of these novels is rape; plain and simple! I don’t care how rich or handsome the male lead is, he is a rapist.
My latest novel can loosely fall under the category of erotica but it has to do with respecting others and their sexual lives. The main characters truly love and RESPECT each other. If you’re interested in checking it out it’s called A Godless Love and link is below. Thank you for writing this!
A Godless Love: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B017E7VTTM?keywords=Brenda+Thornlow&qid=1446330241&ref_=sr_1_4&sr=8-4
Hi Brenda! Sorry for the late reply, and thank you so much for your honest input. I’m glad that you managed to overcome what happened to you and even write about relationships–I bet is therapeutic and also gives you a chance to issue a warning or set an example thorough your stories. Thanks for sharing the link to your book. I read the first chapter of Godless Love and, wow, that was hot! 😉 Have a great one!
First off I would like to say fantastic blog! I had a quick question that I’d like to
ask if you don’t mind. I was curious to know how you center yourself
and clear your head before writing. I have had trouble clearing my thoughts in getting my thoughts out there.
I truly do take pleasure in writing however it just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes are generally wasted
simply just trying to figure out how to begin. Any ideas or
hints? Many thanks!
Hi dear! Aw, thank you 🙂 As for writing, you need to hang on tight and just write something. Remember, it doesn’t need to be perfect (it won’t be anyway, as it’s a first draft). Eventually it will flow. When I’m stuck, taking a walk is amazing, or if I have a subject in mind I research it on the Web until something sparkles an idea of how to approach that subject. Reading books (fiction and non-fiction) and articles about writing/storytelling techniques also helps me, as they inspire me to improve, adjust or expand something that I’ve already written. Check out standoutbooks.com and K.M. Weiland’s youtube channel for great tips. Hope that helps, and keep writing 🙂
bookmarked!!, I love your site!
When I originally commented I clicked the “Notify me when new comments are added”
checkbox and now each time a comment is added I get
three emails with the same comment. Is there any way you can remove
me from that service? Thanks a lot!
Oh my, I’m so sorry! I will talk to the administrator to see how we can remove you. Cheers, and I apologize again for the inconvenience!!!
Well said. Your comments are well thought out and very cogent. Enjoyed the blog entry.
Thanks a lot for reading, Robert! Glad you enjoyed it! Have a great one 🙂
Humanity is beginning to confuse the word romance into another word which plays on romance as an excuse to allow the reader to get more turned on by sadistic sexual acts – this is not romance! If we look up in a British dictionary we will discover three definitions of romance! 1. a love affair, esp an intense and happy but short-lived affair involving young people
2.love, esp romantic love idealized for its purity or beauty
3.a spirit of or inclination for adventure, excitement, or mystery
Where are modern romance novels leading us? Definitely not towards purity or beauty! The more raw these books are getting the more money the authors receive – does this not say something about the average mind’s of humanity today? just like any modern film, computer game, thriller or sex novel – the more violent and abusive the more it sells! I have just written my second book about the impurities of the human mind and where it is leading evolution – this is not ‘non-fiction’ stuff – this is reality! – and guess what? Our behaviours today, even if we think raw non-fiction fantasy romance novels can do no harm – they are harmful! they are adding an extra layer to the impurities of our mind’s memories and will, in turn, eventually lead humanity to our own evolutionary extinction! I know this sounds all doom and gloom but if only the human race would get their heads out of fantasy land and read books that teach us about how our human’s mind’s develop, our genetics and how humans evolved, we would then begin to face the truth and realise that we are doing a great deal more harm than good adding impurities to our already overloaded mind’s memories! And the great bit is – if we begin to get to know more about ourselves, the real science behind our self we will also discover hidden secrets that humanity has also tried to find for thousands of years!
Hey Lucy! Thanks for your thoughtful comment. I have been asking those questions myself, and things started to make more sense to me once I explored the role of social conditioning/engineering behind media and advertising–and ultimately behind the corporate money that rules the world in such negative way. I felt compelled to share my conclusions on the subject in a series of posts, which I just started today. You can read the first installment here: http://goo.gl/yAUS2s. Have a wonderful weekend! xoxo
Depending on what story is and who the author is i love fanasty to romance if you can take to another and have me aborsed from the first few chapter then ill love it.
Thanks for your feedback, Tanith! 🙂
Wonderful blog! I write on similar subjects at thoughtsandviewsthatmatter.blogspot.com Now, the very common answer from authors would be: “Do not blame the authors for what the characters say”. What do you think about this?
Here’s an interview we did with Romance/Erotica authors. Check out what they have to say about violence here.
http://internationalbookpromotion.com/2014/05/28/april-author-interview-answer-5-violence-in-your-story-yay-or-nay/
Wow, Jasveena, I saw your post about the “Not your mom, not your milk” film. I’m aware of the terrible suffering farmed animals are put through for mass production. It’s just horrible. People should consume less animal products. We don’t need them that much. Just imagine if everyone reduced their consumption to half: that would eliminate the need of half of the current production, giving farm animals more living space and a better quality of life.
I need to take the time to read all interviews with romance/erotica authors, but what I saw was really interesting. I have a series of posts that I will be publishing here in the next few weeks, which has derived from this post about heroines in romance novels. I think it will cast some light on the subject of sex and violence, as I explore porn and our pornified culture. I just posted this one: http://nicolecollet.com/category/sex/ This Saturday I will post about porn.
As for authors using violence in their novels, I don’t blame them because I don’t think they realize what they’re doing, the effects it will have in readers, and how they are reinforcing a culture of violence and violence against women. For them is just a plot tool, unfortunately, and what they think readers want to read.
Thanks a lot for your comment, and have a great one!
Very interesting blog and point of view Nicole.
I read probably about 40 or more romance novels in the past two months alone and what stood out is that in quite a few of them the heroine was treated badly, disrespected and abused. In some cases it got so violently abusive that I actually had to quit reading, wondering why any woman would want something like that at all (non-consensually). Now, I´m not a sissy and can deal with violence, aggression and even abuse, WHEN used in a proper way.
In a romance novel, for example, it could be used as something the heroine had gone through previously and had to overcome with the help of the hero. It could be used as it is in BDSM, with set ground rules. Even if the hero is an Alpha male, bad boy, jerk or whatever else, there should always be a certain level of respect towards the heroine, and when it comes down to sex everything should be done consensually. Always.
You also mentioned that words are powerful and I absolutely agree. My parents taught me that words can hurt more than a fist to your face and to always be careful of my choice of words. This little piece of wisdom translates not only to arguments and fights, but to everything we say or write. So yes, words are the most powerful ‘weapon’ we have, good or bad.
It is in the writers hands to influence their readers in a positive way with their words, make them understand what is right and what is wrong. Women have fought for far too long to get to where we are today to just step back again to times long past. We fought for respect, we fought for freedom, we fought for the right to vote, to work, to write, for the same rights as men. Let´s not go back, but keep pushing forward.
Thank you for an inspiring blog.
Dear N.K., thanks for your comment and for sharing your personal experience. Your feedback just confirms what I have noticed about romance novels nowadays. Unfortunately, the rights women fought for seem to be going down the drain thanks to the social conditioning promoted by pop culture and porn. I have researched the subject and I’m writing posts about that (check them out here if you have a moment) because I think most people are unaware of what’s going on. I myself wasn’t aware of the extent of this problem when I wrote this post… Women in the 1950s were on their knees waxing the floor. Today they’re on their knees playing the role of sexual objects thanks to the influence of porn and popular culture (I’m paraphrasing feminist Gail Dines). Awareness is the key.
Hi Nicole,
This post is a breath of fresh air. As a male who spent half his life living the warrior ethos through three wars, I saw the most cruel treatment of women in conflict areas. It had a lasting effect on me as I was raised to honor and respect women. I see this trend you address in every aspect of writing, social media, and open discussion. It never felt normal or right and I couldn’t believe how it was so endemic world wide. I was beginning to feel like a dinosaur until I read your article. To me, you are the voice of reason and I hope your voice is multiplied millions strong by men and women who demand more of our humanity and less of our sick obsessions. It’s one thing to explore mistreatment as entertainment, it’s another thing entirely to see these things played out in reality and feel powerless to comfort the girl or woman whose mind and body is destroyed by unspeakable acts. It was better to let them die than to try to save them. Death was for more merciful than the treatment they received from their aggressors. Thank you for steering me to this message you so eloquently penned.
Hi Daniel, many thanks for your comment and kind words. I’m very glad you’re a dinosaur and was raised to respect women! I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through in three wars… That’s rape as a form of establishing dominance. It’s a crime and the definition of genocide applies to it, but it’s considered a “light issue” since the victims do not die–although, as you said, many wish they did because the aftermath is a destroyed life and lifelong trauma. My take is that we have a handful of corporations ruling the world. They want profit and a passive mass of consumers that doesn’t question things. Sex and violence sell and keep people in a lower level of energy. It’s no surprise then that we have hypersexualization and violence everywhere, from advertisement to TV to porn. Imagine if people’s minds were cleared of that. Everyone would be able to think critically and see things for what they are. People would be closer to each other and have more empathy. People would unite. People would not buy things they don’t need with money they don’t have. Oh my, sorry for emptying my heart 🙂 If you’re interested, read “It’s All Sex #1: Hyper Sexed!” (link in the end of this post). It’s part of a series I’ll be including here because I feel the need to speak out.
God bless you, Daniel!
I hope you will continue to speak out. I’m a fan of your message. I’m off to read the link you provided. I also read the first chapter of Red and it further helps me understand the message in practice. I enjoy the descriptive style. It puts me visually in the scene.
Aw… thanks so much for taking the time to read my works and for all your kindness, Daniel 🙂
I agree, anything non-consensual has no place in erotic or romantic fiction.
I’m certainly no genius either, so I accept that I may make mistakes, but for the most part I like to write stories that are sex positive. I actually pointed out to a (rather obnoxious) horror author the other day that erotica is probably the only genre where all the characters can be nice to each other from beginning to end and still have an interesting story. I challenged him to do the same and laughed as he walked away.
Hi Nicci, thanks a lot for stopping by and sharing your view. That’s an interesting take. Why do you think erotica is the only genre where all characters can be nice to each other without making the story bland? Please elaborate, I’m curious!
Hi Nicole, loved your post. As much as I love the erotica genre, for me personally it has to have a love story at its core. As much as I love the Crossfire series by Sylvia Day and the Fifty Shades trilogy by E L James (to the point it inspired me to write a fanfiction about Christian’s ‘relationship’ with Elena) because they are based around a love story, I do like to try and find an erotic romance between two characters that don’t also come with a suitcase full of their issues! There is so much sex for the sake of sex out there, I think it’s high time the literacy world took a deep breath and went back to a time where men treated their girlfriends with love and respect before anything else. I’d like to think that in today’s society there are more men out there that do this than not. I want the knights in shiny armour on a white stead to make a comeback!
Best wishes
Beth (@FiftyMovellas Twitter @BethWin70 Wattpad)
Hi Beth! Thanks for stopping by and commenting, it’s much appreciated. Yes, melikes knights in shiny armors that treat girls with respect and are as mature as they are hot 🙂 Think about it, many of those alpha males out there (in erotic romance stories) are a bit like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: one moment they are all lovey-dovey, the next they are being total asses and so on. I call that psychotic.
Now I’m curious: what did you like about 50 Shades and the Crossfire trilogies? Do they have anything in common that moves you, or each stirs your emotions in a distinctive way?
Hi Nicole 🙂 With Fifty Shades it was really Ana I connected with from the moment she fell into Christian’s office. I am just as clumsy and would have done the exact same thing! She had a lot of qualities that remind me of myself at her age – but at the same time I was screaming – just obey him Ana and accept the clothes and gifts! I would have done in her place LOL! As the books developed I was rooting for her and Christian to find a way to be together and not just as Sub and Dom. I wanted the fairytale as I do with every book I read. With the Crossfire series I was looking for something to fill the void after Fifty Shades and these were recommended. I’ve also worked with kids a number of years and I can understand why Christian, Gideon and Ava are struggling with traumas from their pasts into adulthood and how these events have shaped them. And then of course there’s all the hot sex and a number of terms I had to look up on Google *blushes* 😉 xx
Thanks for your feedback, Beth. Interesting! xoxo
that is Lovely Romance
I guess…
Thank you for this post! I couldn’t agree more. Eventually I got so sick of “mainstream” romance and erotica, all rape-culture and submissive (or, worse, virginal) females, brooding, tortured alpha male jerks… well, you know how it is. Boring. And frustrating, because really, how many relationships like that actually work? (None, is the answer.)
So I ended up writing my own romances. Strong women, sex positive, and WAY more fun! Good on you for doing the same. Little by little, we can change people’s views on relationships – and sex.
Thanks for stopping by, Fionna! It’s great that you share this point of view. I think the majority of readers are still under this inexplicable spell, but t seems slowly they’re becoming aware that there’s something off in all this… Hopefully they’ll get tired of it. I know I did. Just the other day I read a book that wasn’t openly violent but had “porn” spelled all over it: the hero ejaculated on her back over her dress; then there was a scene with secondary characters having sex right after they met and the guy penetrated the girl in a “rough” way; there was a girl screaming in the throws of passion for the guy to come over her face; the heroine drenched her panties just by looking at the hero; and the hero, when he was angry, threatened to “fuck her mouth” and have her gagging for punishment if she didn’t do what he wanted…
I think I may be the only male offering but here goes anyway. I have recently published my first novel, which is a crime story with no sex in it. Not because I didn’t consider it. I did but because I couldn’t stand the thought of my adult children, four girls and two boys, reading it. That tells me that I have difficulty in displaying sex in a manner that doesn’t offend, or demeans me in the eyes of others, especially those that matter to me. In that case I shall continue to work around it and avoid it.
Hi Stewart. You know, there is no damn written rule that a good novel needs to have sex. We live in a hyper sexualized culture, and what is filmed male porn has turned into female written porn. Many romance stories out there are basically porn in disguise designed for titillation and with very little substance–and sometimes with a lot of abuse. I only include sex scenes in my stories because I write romance and that’s part of a healthy relationship. I like to share it with readers and I’m comfortable writing it, otherwise I could and would skip it. In your case, you can perfectly have sex scenes fade to black. My friend and very talented author Terri Tyler does that. And congratulations for your novel! What’s the title and the subject? 🙂
Truly useful post Nicole. I never realized romance was being depicted in guise of forced BDSM. I don’t read or write such stuff anyway. I write romance, it’s sensual but my heroines never have to fight to say no. My heroes are respectful and alpha without being domineering or overbearing. Hope you’ll like to check out my books at http://www.summeritarhayne.com
Hey, Summerita, thanks a lot for stopping by! I see that you have quite a few books under your belt, congratulations! Yes, we’re on the same page. I like sensual and sweet, not vulgar. I read those mainstream erotic books more for reference than anything. Lately, I get quite annoyed when I detect the porn influence on them.
Very well stated, Nicole. Traditionally, male characters have been the ‘heroes’ in most genres, while the women tend to be there merely as the ‘prize’ or if they’re part of the group, they’re portrayed as the weaker, more helpless type that rely on their male counterparts for protection.
This was something I noticed long ago, even back when I was a kid. I first came across this ‘tradition’ in the fantasy genre, which of course always had those knight in shining armor / big muscle-bound warrior type of heroes. Other genres certainly portray similar attitudes, as you stated, though this has begun to shift in recent years.
When I started my writing career, (I’m an Indie author that publishes on Amazon) that was the one tradition I did NOT want to follow. I was thrilled when many of the characters that came into my head wanting their stories to be told were female. They took those ‘traditions’ and tore them to shreds.
I write fantasy, as well as paranormal romance. Two different genres, geared toward two different age groups, but one thing they both share in common is that many of the main characters are female. They don’t hide behind the guys, they stand beside them… and often a step ahead of them. They can take care of themselves, but they still have those times when they can let down their guard and show their softer side.
It’s good to see things are shifting a bit though, and that there are more works coming out that are leaning away from those old traditions. There’s already plenty of books out there for people who want that ‘alpha male’ type guy. To each his own. I chose to go down a different road.
I think (and hope) that more people are beginning to realize that the cliché of males playing those alpha roles has been overdone. People want something fresh, something outside the box. What better way to go against the grain than to have women who can not only take up those lead roles, but can show that just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean you can’t kick some ass! 🙂
Well said, Scott! Funnily enough, I see more of this kind of view in male authors than in female authors (the vast majority of romance writers). I’m happy to hear you’re one of them!:)
My first novel looked at these issues from a very different and dramatic viewpoint, that of those couples who in the 1940s suffered a world war. There is no doubt that such an experience bound men and women together in a more equitable way, often displaying extraordinary displays of duty and loyalty towards each other. My second novel (currently looking for an agent and publisher) takes one step forward chronologically. Those raised in the 1940s and 50s, almost as separate sexes, where contact was minimal and sex education non-existent (read Chesil Beach by Ian McEwan). My characters, a couple blighted by their upbringing, decide to break free and discover a world where they can make the rules about their relationship and where the woman discovers a sexual potency that for her is a revelation. Yes, mature people have sex as well, and for them the best ever. History, culture, education, nurture all affect us but can be changed. Perhaps that is the duty of writers.